Summer Diet Tips
Summer is coming and like most eveyone else, I need to lose 5-10 pounds to get back into some kind of Speedo swimsuit shape. Being one that doesn't mind taking a few short-cuts, I have come up with a few unique ideas to shed a few pounds lickity-split. I thought I would share a few .... so that I can help to Make America Look Great Again!
1. Move ... and I don't mean exercise, I mean move to a upper level floor in a high-rise apartment building. The higher the better. All the diet guru's suggest that you take the stairs rather than an elevator as a way to lose some weight. But seriously, how much weight are you going to lose by walking up a couple of flights of stairs? Move up to the 60th floor in the Pencil Building on Central Park South and walking up the stairs will really help melt away the tonnage. Plus with what you will have to spend on rent, you won't have enough scratch left over to buy food.
2. Chew your food 46 times before you swallow. When I was growing up, the thought was that people should chew their food 23 times before they swallow. Chewing your food like a cow chews her cud helps with the digestive process, gives you the felling that you have eaten more than you have and makes you feel fuller faster. Recently, I read that chewing your food 32 times is all the rage to aid digestion and to increase weight loss. If chewing your food like a baseball players chews his chaw helps lose weight, I recommend that you should chew 46 times before you send your down the gullet. Why stop at 46 times, you ask? I have found that people started to look at me funny after 46 times ... of course, that could be because I chew my beer 46 times before I swallow.
3. Going the 'No Carb Diet' route? Don't give up those delicious breads, bagels and muffins you love. Instead of using fattening butter on those carbohydrate loaded foodstuffs, use Dr. Atkin's ipecac bread spread. Not only is it much easier to spread, contain a lot less calories than butter, but it also keeps you from ingesting any carbs from any of the food you eat! Its a win-win!
4. Psychiatrists believe that people eat to satisfy two distinct needs; to meet nutritional requirements and to sate their oral sensory stimulation desires. So, once you have meet all your recommended minimum daily requirements, put something else in your mouth besides food. Some people smoke cigarette to satisfy that oral need and help lose weight; but this has some unhealthy side effects. Others chew gum which is OK for women who don't mind looking easy and men who don't mind looking like they are from Brooklyn, but I have a better idea on what to put in your mouth to satisfy that oral cravings: Carrots! C'mon, get your mind out of the gutter.
6. Get more exercise ... I know that's not a unique idea, but exercising to lose weight takes up way too much time for most people to begin to even try. Seriously, who can afford to spend enough valuable internet time at the gym to make a dent in their weight loss goals? No one! We need to get creative with our exercise ... We need to come up with innovative ways of combining every day activities with strenuous exercise. I have come up with a few that I have used myself: running while taking a shower, lunges while answering e-mails, power lifting while waiting at a stop light, arm wrestling with a friend a lunch (made it exciting by making loser pick-up the tab), jumping jack while on a conference call, doing some crunches while taking a morning constitutional. The potential activities are endless. Be creative! The only rule is that there are no rules.
7. Tax deduction - we all lose weight to look better but also to feel better. What makes us feel better besides losing weight? Lowering our tax bill. Is there a way of combining the two? Cost for any weight-loss program are not deductible for tax purposes unless they are deemed medically required by a physician. What physician who is worth their weight in salt wouldn't recommend that you lose a few LBS? Once you have that prescription\note, the cost of losing that spare tire become tax deductible. Instead of paying a gym, weight watchers, nutritionists, etc ... why not pay yourself? Draw up a contract that you will pay a large cash bonus to yourself once you reach your weight loss goals and viola, an instant tax deduction! Remember that to get any benefit on your federal 1040, the deduction must be more than 7.5% of your adjusted gross income, so make that bonus payment as large as you can afford.
8. Watch more TV. I know that seems to contradict what I wrote in tip #6, but have you seen what is on TV lately? Spend 30 minutes watching 'Grey's Anatomy' and I guarantee you will lose your appetite. Watching a few contestants embarrass themselves on 'Dancing with the Stars' will surely turn your stomach. Just catch a glimpse of a New York Jets game and just try to keep your lunch down ... can't happen! With how much Americans watch TV and the crap they are serving up on the boob tube, I'm surprised we all don't look like Kate Moss.
9. Take weight loss pills. We have all read articles that say weight loss pills don't work, but I don't give up on short cuts so easy. I did some research and found that most of these studies were performed by fitness centers, plastic surgeons, diet plans companies and Weight Watchers. Organizations that would have the most to lose if weight loss came in an easy-to-take pill form. My advice, take every diet pill you can get your hands on! The law of averages would dictate that at least one of them will work.
10. If all else fails, lop off a useless body part or two. Do you really need your little toe and\or ring toe? How many of us play the piano that well where we need our pinkies? When was the last time you actually used your Plica Semilunaris? Did you even know you had them? And no one needs a coccyx ... except maybe crossword puzzle creators. I bet you could come up with a couple of pounds of useless body parts without lifting an auricular muscle!
1. Move ... and I don't mean exercise, I mean move to a upper level floor in a high-rise apartment building. The higher the better. All the diet guru's suggest that you take the stairs rather than an elevator as a way to lose some weight. But seriously, how much weight are you going to lose by walking up a couple of flights of stairs? Move up to the 60th floor in the Pencil Building on Central Park South and walking up the stairs will really help melt away the tonnage. Plus with what you will have to spend on rent, you won't have enough scratch left over to buy food.
2. Chew your food 46 times before you swallow. When I was growing up, the thought was that people should chew their food 23 times before they swallow. Chewing your food like a cow chews her cud helps with the digestive process, gives you the felling that you have eaten more than you have and makes you feel fuller faster. Recently, I read that chewing your food 32 times is all the rage to aid digestion and to increase weight loss. If chewing your food like a baseball players chews his chaw helps lose weight, I recommend that you should chew 46 times before you send your down the gullet. Why stop at 46 times, you ask? I have found that people started to look at me funny after 46 times ... of course, that could be because I chew my beer 46 times before I swallow.
3. Going the 'No Carb Diet' route? Don't give up those delicious breads, bagels and muffins you love. Instead of using fattening butter on those carbohydrate loaded foodstuffs, use Dr. Atkin's ipecac bread spread. Not only is it much easier to spread, contain a lot less calories than butter, but it also keeps you from ingesting any carbs from any of the food you eat! Its a win-win!
4. Psychiatrists believe that people eat to satisfy two distinct needs; to meet nutritional requirements and to sate their oral sensory stimulation desires. So, once you have meet all your recommended minimum daily requirements, put something else in your mouth besides food. Some people smoke cigarette to satisfy that oral need and help lose weight; but this has some unhealthy side effects. Others chew gum which is OK for women who don't mind looking easy and men who don't mind looking like they are from Brooklyn, but I have a better idea on what to put in your mouth to satisfy that oral cravings: Carrots! C'mon, get your mind out of the gutter.
6. Get more exercise ... I know that's not a unique idea, but exercising to lose weight takes up way too much time for most people to begin to even try. Seriously, who can afford to spend enough valuable internet time at the gym to make a dent in their weight loss goals? No one! We need to get creative with our exercise ... We need to come up with innovative ways of combining every day activities with strenuous exercise. I have come up with a few that I have used myself: running while taking a shower, lunges while answering e-mails, power lifting while waiting at a stop light, arm wrestling with a friend a lunch (made it exciting by making loser pick-up the tab), jumping jack while on a conference call, doing some crunches while taking a morning constitutional. The potential activities are endless. Be creative! The only rule is that there are no rules.
7. Tax deduction - we all lose weight to look better but also to feel better. What makes us feel better besides losing weight? Lowering our tax bill. Is there a way of combining the two? Cost for any weight-loss program are not deductible for tax purposes unless they are deemed medically required by a physician. What physician who is worth their weight in salt wouldn't recommend that you lose a few LBS? Once you have that prescription\note, the cost of losing that spare tire become tax deductible. Instead of paying a gym, weight watchers, nutritionists, etc ... why not pay yourself? Draw up a contract that you will pay a large cash bonus to yourself once you reach your weight loss goals and viola, an instant tax deduction! Remember that to get any benefit on your federal 1040, the deduction must be more than 7.5% of your adjusted gross income, so make that bonus payment as large as you can afford.
8. Watch more TV. I know that seems to contradict what I wrote in tip #6, but have you seen what is on TV lately? Spend 30 minutes watching 'Grey's Anatomy' and I guarantee you will lose your appetite. Watching a few contestants embarrass themselves on 'Dancing with the Stars' will surely turn your stomach. Just catch a glimpse of a New York Jets game and just try to keep your lunch down ... can't happen! With how much Americans watch TV and the crap they are serving up on the boob tube, I'm surprised we all don't look like Kate Moss.
9. Take weight loss pills. We have all read articles that say weight loss pills don't work, but I don't give up on short cuts so easy. I did some research and found that most of these studies were performed by fitness centers, plastic surgeons, diet plans companies and Weight Watchers. Organizations that would have the most to lose if weight loss came in an easy-to-take pill form. My advice, take every diet pill you can get your hands on! The law of averages would dictate that at least one of them will work.
10. If all else fails, lop off a useless body part or two. Do you really need your little toe and\or ring toe? How many of us play the piano that well where we need our pinkies? When was the last time you actually used your Plica Semilunaris? Did you even know you had them? And no one needs a coccyx ... except maybe crossword puzzle creators. I bet you could come up with a couple of pounds of useless body parts without lifting an auricular muscle!
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