Memorial Day

Memorial Day is the time where we remember and thank our war dead; the heroes that helped obtain and maintain the freedoms we enjoy today. We can't do enough to honor these fallen men. But that is only one side of the story. As they say, there is always another side to a story and I would like to use this e-mail to honor this under- appreciated other side.

For every winning side, there is a losing side. These losing sides include individuals whose  miscalculations, poor planning and screw-ups enabled the US to kick ass and reach the standard of living we have today. Some of these individuals sacrificed their lives in our quest for freedom ... they just didn't mean to.

My first story is that of Maj, Reginald Griswold of the British Army. Major Griswold was the morale officer for the troops defending the British stronghold of Trenton, NJ during the Revolutionary War.  Old Reggie thought it would be smashing to hold a drinking contest between the Hessian and British troops on Christmas Day of 1776. It seems that quite an argument had developed between the two sides as to who could drink the most, the Germans or the English. These arguments had become quite heated, so heated that fisticuffs often broke out between the two sides. Reginald thought he could settle things once and for all with a last man standing all-day drink fest on Christmas Day. Not much was going down on the war front and who would attack on Christmas? The British lost both the Christmas drunk fest and the Battle of Trenton that night. Poor Reginald died that day although it is not known if Major Griswold died of a gun shot wound or from alcohol poisoning.

Our next vignette moves further south to Atlanta, Georgia. Colonel Beauregard Jackson (Stonewall Jackson's brother) had been put in charge of the defense of Atlanta by Jefferson Davis in the fall of 1864. It was of vital importance that the Confederacy kept General Sherman out of Atlanta which was the South's key transportation hub and the heart of its manufacturing sector during the war. If Atlanta was destroyed, the Rebel's cause would be irreversibly lost. Resources and manpower were scarce, so on the morning of December 2nd Colonel Jackson came up with the bright idea to arm slaves with pitchforks, axes and the such to help repel the Union Forces. Beauregard succumbed from multiple pitchfork wounds shortly thereafter and Atlanta fell.

Our next zero hero was General Pascal Blanco, the commander of Spanish Forces in Cuba during the Spanish American War. Spain's crumbling empire was no match to the new military power of the west. General Blanco knew that on equal footing, he had no chance. He must come up with something that would cut off one of the America's feet ... that something was Mata Hari. 

Mata Hari was a woman of extraordinary beauty. Not only was Ms. Hari a looker with a bodacious bod, but she had an incredible intellect, the match of any man of her time. The career options for an attractive intelligent woman in the 1890's was limited, so Mata opted for the one profession where she could use her beauty and her brains: espionage!  General Blanco had commissioned Mata Hari to come to Cuba and to infiltrate Theodore Roosevelt's Rough Riders,  "get with" Teddy and uncover their plans of attack. Mata came to Cuba and met with Pascal so that he could lay out his plan. Upon meeting the Dutch vamp, Pascal instantly fell for her charms, and decides to keep her in Havana all for himself. Spain failed to learn of Roosevelt's charge up San Juan Hill and loses the opportunity to gain an advantage on the Americans. While the Generalissimo didn't die that day from any military action, he did succomb from other complications from his decision on Mata's new deployment ... when Mrs. Generalissimo found them together in coitus.

We now move to WWI and Sargent Uder Schultz, the regimental cook for 7th infantry division of the German army. It was the summer of 1918 and the war in Europe has been going on for four long years. German provisions had been depleted and the armies had been force onto a diet that consisted mainly of cabbage and cabbage by-products. The monotony of the diet began to wear on the German soldiers and SGT Schultz tried to jazz up the cabbage by pickling it. The experiment was a success and the German soldiers couldn't get enough of it. Fortunately for the Allied forces, pickled cabbage does a real number on the intestines (especially when eaten in large quantities) and the ensuing diarrhea tipped the Battle of the Marne (the decisive battle of WW I) in their favor. Unfortunately, SGT Schultz died of dysentery  shortly after the battle so he was unable to gain any frecogmition for his discovery of Sauerkraut.

World War II is the scene for my last tale. It was spring of 1945 and the tide of the War in the Pacific had turned in favor the Americans and its allies. Japan had resorted to the use of kamikazes as a last ditch effort. Ensign Uhura "Wrong Way" Ogawa had drawn the short straw and was selected to be the next kamikaze pilot. Uhura climbed aboard his plane waved good bye to his fellow sailors on the aircraft carrier and set out to destroy an unsuspecting American ship. After about 30 minutes of flying time, Ensign Ogawa was supposed to be engaging the US fleet, but they were no where to be found. It was then he realized that he had gone the wrong way! He wouldn't have enough fuel to make it to the US fleet, so he decided to head back to the carrier to gas up. It seems that 'Wrong Way' forgot that the landing apparatus came off the plane after take off so to keep pilots from losing their nerve and returning without hitting their target. Ensign Ogawa did sink and ship that day ... a Japanese aircraft carrier. 

As you remember our fallen heroes between bites of the potato salad and hamburgers this Memorial weekend, please raise a glass and give a toast to the other guys who foibles and faux pas's helped make this the land of the free and the home of the brave.