Zagats for Real People
I have been working in New York City for over six years now. During that time, I have had a chance to learn how to eat lunch on the cheap in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Most of you think that my motto is "if it's free, its for me" (actually, the motto I live by is really YOLO,BWNDIAFAP - you only live once, but why not do it as frugally as possible) and I have to admit I try eat lunch by that mantra. While I haven't figure out how to eat for free, I have learned how to minimize the cost of the afternoon repast.
This knowledge came in handy recently when a friend of mine from Ireland visited me in the Big Apple. He was low on funds and asked me where he could grab a quick lunch around Madison Square Garden that was within his meager budget. I knew that money was an issue ... I mean, have you seen the US dollar to euro exchange rate lately? So I used my vast knowledge of the Chelsea area cuisine and recommended a good restaurant that wouldn't cut too deeply into his Guinness Stout reserve funds. I know I could have pull out my Zagat's New York Restaurant Guide and recommended one of those pretentious, high-hat "no-shirt, no-shoes, no-service" places that charge an arm and a leg just for the luxury of clean cutlery, but then what would old Fineas have used to pay for his happy hour pints at the Blarney Stone?
As I was mentally high-fiving myself for my Gaelic mitzvah, I began to wonder why wasn't there a Zagat's for real people who can't afford restaurants with a wine list, fine china, cloth napkins, free bread, bathrooms or a NYC Health Department rating of "C" or better? New Yorkers and our visitors need a Zagat's Restaurant Guide for real people that focuses on lower-end diners, fast food joints, pizzerias, food carts and soup kitchens in the five boroughs and I am just the cheap son-of-a-bitch who is going to give it to them!
The final publication of this new "Johnny Lunch Bucket" version of the Zagat's guide is still a few months away, but I thought that I would share a few of my five star "Madmax's Don't Die Until You've Eaten Here" top picks with you, my loyal e-mail list. (New York State Law requires that I disclose that I am being paid for these restaurant endorsements; but having said that, I can guarantee that you probably won't die after eating at these fine dining establishments):
Seven-Eleven: American Convenience Food Price: ¢¢¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ]
8th Avenue between 34 and 35th strs.
I have always said, you can tell the quality of a convenience store by the quality of their microwave burritos and NOTHING beats a Seven-Eleven microwave burrito ... So I guess that makes Seven-Eleven the best convenience store there is. The store is always well lit and has a full array of cold beer in their beverage case. However, I am not fond of the attitude of homeless man who holds the door open for you when you enter and leave the store, I only give a tip for excellent service and common courtesy does not meet or exceed that level of service. While I understand he may not agree with my decision, I don't appreciate his choice of vocabulary to express it.
Baghdad Bob's Halal Food Cart: Middle Eastern Cuisine Price: ¢¢¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ]
At the corner of 33rd and Seventh Avenue
I was a little skeptical of Baghdad Bob's claim that they serve the best goat kabobs west of Fallujah ... I mean, I have had some really good goat Kabob's in Sana'a in my day and I'm not sure how the Chelsea area of New York City could possibly have access to the succulent goat and flavorful turmeric that they have in Yemen. Baghdad Bob may have 'exaggerated' the successes the Iraqi army had in the Desert Storm conflict, but he was spot on about his boast about the Goat Kabob; definitely, the best I have ever had. You will come for the Goat Kabob, but you'll stay for the bamieh (a scrumptious lamb, okra and tomato dish) and baba ghanoush. Okay, maybe not the baba ghanoush, I mean who likes eggplant? Anyways, the menu is full of Middle Eastern culinary delights. The only issue I have with the food cart is the high pitched ululation the server cries out whenever they serve the Falafel Supreme.
Sonny Corleone's 50 cent Slice: Italian Pizzeria Price: ¢¢ Taste: [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ] [πΈ] [πΈ]
On 8th Ave. between 30th and 31st SSTs
How does old Sonny do it? How can he charge half the price the other cheap Pizzeria's charge? I was baffled, so I asked him. He told me that he sells day old unsold 99 cent slices that the other pizza guys throw out. The man is genius! They sell day old bread, bagels and pastries at a discount, so why not pizza? Sure the grease has congealed a bit, the crust tastes like soggy cardboard, it has a rather stinky pungent aroma and it violates the New York Health Code ... but it only costs fifty cents! And you can't beat the feel of the place. It has the feel of the pizza joints you see on the old gangster films; checkered table clothes, lots of smoke, tough guys talking Italian, bullet holes in the walls and police\health inspectors coming by to get their payola. I feel like I am in a scene of a Godfather movie every time I eat there.
The Dumpster behind Le Bernadine: Nuveau French Price: ¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ]
155 W 51st St.
I am not one of your typical dumpster divers, but once I saw the review that the Zagat edition for the Bilderberg Set said about La Bernadine, who wouldn't dive in with two feet and a fork? "Prepare to dine on “a higher plane” at this “dazzling” Midtown “star” where Eric Ripert’s “world-class” tasting menus highlight “transcendent” French seafood, earning it No. 1 Food honors in NYC for the eighth year in a row." I can't speak to the actual restaurant, but the cuisine in the dumpster sure fits the bill. The only drawback is the wait-time for a reservation.
Dirty Dan's Dirty Water Dogs: American Fare Price: ¢¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ]
Corner of 31st and Seventh Ave.
You can tell that the dogs taste good by the line that begins to form in front of the vending cart around 11:30. Most New Yorker doesn't eat lunch until after one. Hey, when you never sleep, you don't take an early lunch ... unless its to get in line at the best hot dog stand in the city. I spoke to old Dirty Dan and he told me that his secret was that he never changes the water in his boiler. The last time he did back in 1991 (during Mayor Dinkins' crack down on street vendors due to an outbreak of E. coli), he lost 75% of his business. He was never going to make that mistake again. He believes that it is the combination of the enzymes produced from the old hot dog juices and fermented bug droppings that give his dogs that one of a kind taste. It sure does, but it is better not to think about that when you take a bite.
Subway: Fast Food Price: ¢¢¢¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ]
29th btw 6th Ane and 7th Ave
I know what you are thinking "How did Subway make your list? I thought this was a Zagat's for the average Joe Six-Pack, not the average Richie Rich. Who has the greenbacks to burn to eat at Subway? One word: Coupons! Yes, I realize the normal subway lunch check looks like a lot like the annual gross national products of most third-world countries. But, throw down a 'two for one' or a 'free soda and chip' coupon and a Subway lunch is affordable enough to become a special occasion treat.
MΔorΓ²u Chinese Restaurant: Chinese Restaurant Price: ¢¢¢ Taste: [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ][πΈ]
11 Ave. between 29and 30th Sts.
It can be tough to find a Chinese Restaurant in New York when you are on a budget. Sure, many have "Lunch Specials" where they only charge you a leg for a portion of their dinner menu that's the size of a ping pong ball. I managed to find a traditional Chinese restaurant tucked away in an back alley that serves man-sized portions at a reasonable price. The low price tag does come at a cost though. Like some of the trendy Vegan restaurants, the meats in the dishes are often in quotes; like General Tso's "chicken" or twice cooked "pork" ... and if you look carefully at the fried rice, you can see that some of the rice actually moves. It just proves the point that cheap eats don't always come cheap.
I hope that you find this small portion of my new Zagat's guide helpful. Please check out Amazon periodically to buy the book once it is published.
This knowledge came in handy recently when a friend of mine from Ireland visited me in the Big Apple. He was low on funds and asked me where he could grab a quick lunch around Madison Square Garden that was within his meager budget. I knew that money was an issue ... I mean, have you seen the US dollar to euro exchange rate lately? So I used my vast knowledge of the Chelsea area cuisine and recommended a good restaurant that wouldn't cut too deeply into his Guinness Stout reserve funds. I know I could have pull out my Zagat's New York Restaurant Guide and recommended one of those pretentious, high-hat "no-shirt, no-shoes, no-service" places that charge an arm and a leg just for the luxury of clean cutlery, but then what would old Fineas have used to pay for his happy hour pints at the Blarney Stone?
As I was mentally high-fiving myself for my Gaelic mitzvah, I began to wonder why wasn't there a Zagat's for real people who can't afford restaurants with a wine list, fine china, cloth napkins, free bread, bathrooms or a NYC Health Department rating of "C" or better? New Yorkers and our visitors need a Zagat's Restaurant Guide for real people that focuses on lower-end diners, fast food joints, pizzerias, food carts and soup kitchens in the five boroughs and I am just the cheap son-of-a-bitch who is going to give it to them!
The final publication of this new "Johnny Lunch Bucket" version of the Zagat's guide is still a few months away, but I thought that I would share a few of my five star "Madmax's Don't Die Until You've Eaten Here" top picks with you, my loyal e-mail list. (New York State Law requires that I disclose that I am being paid for these restaurant endorsements; but having said that, I can guarantee that you probably won't die after eating at these fine dining establishments):
Seven-Eleven: American Convenience Food Price: ¢¢¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ]
8th Avenue between 34 and 35th strs.
I have always said, you can tell the quality of a convenience store by the quality of their microwave burritos and NOTHING beats a Seven-Eleven microwave burrito ... So I guess that makes Seven-Eleven the best convenience store there is. The store is always well lit and has a full array of cold beer in their beverage case. However, I am not fond of the attitude of homeless man who holds the door open for you when you enter and leave the store, I only give a tip for excellent service and common courtesy does not meet or exceed that level of service. While I understand he may not agree with my decision, I don't appreciate his choice of vocabulary to express it.
Baghdad Bob's Halal Food Cart: Middle Eastern Cuisine Price: ¢¢¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ]
At the corner of 33rd and Seventh Avenue
I was a little skeptical of Baghdad Bob's claim that they serve the best goat kabobs west of Fallujah ... I mean, I have had some really good goat Kabob's in Sana'a in my day and I'm not sure how the Chelsea area of New York City could possibly have access to the succulent goat and flavorful turmeric that they have in Yemen. Baghdad Bob may have 'exaggerated' the successes the Iraqi army had in the Desert Storm conflict, but he was spot on about his boast about the Goat Kabob; definitely, the best I have ever had. You will come for the Goat Kabob, but you'll stay for the bamieh (a scrumptious lamb, okra and tomato dish) and baba ghanoush. Okay, maybe not the baba ghanoush, I mean who likes eggplant? Anyways, the menu is full of Middle Eastern culinary delights. The only issue I have with the food cart is the high pitched ululation the server cries out whenever they serve the Falafel Supreme.
Sonny Corleone's 50 cent Slice: Italian Pizzeria Price: ¢¢ Taste: [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ] [πΈ] [πΈ]
On 8th Ave. between 30th and 31st SSTs
How does old Sonny do it? How can he charge half the price the other cheap Pizzeria's charge? I was baffled, so I asked him. He told me that he sells day old unsold 99 cent slices that the other pizza guys throw out. The man is genius! They sell day old bread, bagels and pastries at a discount, so why not pizza? Sure the grease has congealed a bit, the crust tastes like soggy cardboard, it has a rather stinky pungent aroma and it violates the New York Health Code ... but it only costs fifty cents! And you can't beat the feel of the place. It has the feel of the pizza joints you see on the old gangster films; checkered table clothes, lots of smoke, tough guys talking Italian, bullet holes in the walls and police\health inspectors coming by to get their payola. I feel like I am in a scene of a Godfather movie every time I eat there.
The Dumpster behind Le Bernadine: Nuveau French Price: ¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ]
155 W 51st St.
I am not one of your typical dumpster divers, but once I saw the review that the Zagat edition for the Bilderberg Set said about La Bernadine, who wouldn't dive in with two feet and a fork? "Prepare to dine on “a higher plane” at this “dazzling” Midtown “star” where Eric Ripert’s “world-class” tasting menus highlight “transcendent” French seafood, earning it No. 1 Food honors in NYC for the eighth year in a row." I can't speak to the actual restaurant, but the cuisine in the dumpster sure fits the bill. The only drawback is the wait-time for a reservation.
Dirty Dan's Dirty Water Dogs: American Fare Price: ¢¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ]
Corner of 31st and Seventh Ave.
You can tell that the dogs taste good by the line that begins to form in front of the vending cart around 11:30. Most New Yorker doesn't eat lunch until after one. Hey, when you never sleep, you don't take an early lunch ... unless its to get in line at the best hot dog stand in the city. I spoke to old Dirty Dan and he told me that his secret was that he never changes the water in his boiler. The last time he did back in 1991 (during Mayor Dinkins' crack down on street vendors due to an outbreak of E. coli), he lost 75% of his business. He was never going to make that mistake again. He believes that it is the combination of the enzymes produced from the old hot dog juices and fermented bug droppings that give his dogs that one of a kind taste. It sure does, but it is better not to think about that when you take a bite.
Subway: Fast Food Price: ¢¢¢¢ Taste: [π] [π] [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ]
29th btw 6th Ane and 7th Ave
I know what you are thinking "How did Subway make your list? I thought this was a Zagat's for the average Joe Six-Pack, not the average Richie Rich. Who has the greenbacks to burn to eat at Subway? One word: Coupons! Yes, I realize the normal subway lunch check looks like a lot like the annual gross national products of most third-world countries. But, throw down a 'two for one' or a 'free soda and chip' coupon and a Subway lunch is affordable enough to become a special occasion treat.
MΔorΓ²u Chinese Restaurant: Chinese Restaurant Price: ¢¢¢ Taste: [π]
Ambiance: [πΈ] [πΈ][πΈ]
11 Ave. between 29and 30th Sts.
It can be tough to find a Chinese Restaurant in New York when you are on a budget. Sure, many have "Lunch Specials" where they only charge you a leg for a portion of their dinner menu that's the size of a ping pong ball. I managed to find a traditional Chinese restaurant tucked away in an back alley that serves man-sized portions at a reasonable price. The low price tag does come at a cost though. Like some of the trendy Vegan restaurants, the meats in the dishes are often in quotes; like General Tso's "chicken" or twice cooked "pork" ... and if you look carefully at the fried rice, you can see that some of the rice actually moves. It just proves the point that cheap eats don't always come cheap.
I hope that you find this small portion of my new Zagat's guide helpful. Please check out Amazon periodically to buy the book once it is published.
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